It’s been right about a year since I left GCM. It’s also been a year since I’ve been involved with a church. I really miss it. Church that is, I have no desire to go back to GCM. I really do feel lost in the deepest sense of the word. I go to work and do everything I can to avoid the fact that I’m lonely and that I know that deep down I know there is something important I’m supposed to be doing. And that something, I either haven’t found it, or I’ve found it and I’m just too afraid to follow through with it.
I think the thing I miss the most is Jesus. I know that deep below the surface of my jaded exterior is someone who loves, who hopes, who dreams. There’s someone beautiful down there. But I feel like I’m actually two different people and the unmotivated, unbelieving jaded person is the one who makes all the calls.
Today in a random moment of emotion, I realized that I really just want someone to tell me that I’m valuable, that I have some worth, that I’m not a screwup. I think is why I have such a hard time seriously trying to find a new church. Church should have been the place where I was encouraged, where my worth should have been reaffirmed. Instead it was the place where I learned I was only valuable when I put out. My worth was subjective based on what those in authority deemed valuable. I’m lonely, but I’ll be damned if I ever put myself in that situation again.
I’m really lost, and I just I wish I knew how to find my way home.
I miss you Dad.
Hi there
I’ve been reading through some of your recent posts. So, you’re a 24 yr old male, alienated from your church, not so long ago thinking you’d go abroad and teach English and never come back because you planned to leave everything behind, including your unpaid debts, and that would preclude your returning. That’s not much to know about a person, but it’s more than you know about me
, so I’ll give you a little bit–not enough to bore you.
I’m a 49 yr old woman, happily married with two grown kids and one teenager, art teacher, live in the almost wilderness, not so long ago feeling a lot like you describe in this particular post, which is why I was moved to check out your blog.
Let me recommend a couple of things to you. First, do find a church–a regular, traditional, boring, dependable church. I think the idea of the organic church is absolutely wonderful, but difficult to find one with doctrine you can count on being right, and I suspect you aren’t really well-grounded in the Word. I might be wrong about that, but your young age and your angst kind of lead me to think that might be the case. I’m not saying you don’t know what’s in the Bible–just that it’s not living in your heart the way you want it to.
Of course, you can have the same exact problem with a traditional church, but your chances are a little better. Still, you need to get to know the Word for yourself (and I mean the Word as in Jesus). Pray. Ask, no Beg God to forgive you and soften your hardened heart. You can’t come to repentance until He helps you. We can’t even repent on our own, you know. God has to pretty much do everything for us. So look to God to enable you to repent and return to Him. And don’t give up. It probably isn’t going to happen all that quickly. It might, but for me, it took a while. And remember, even the grace to beg for a repentant heart comes from Him.
Look around you. See the earth? See the trees? Look at a leaf; look at a beetle; look at your hand. Give glory to God. His creation points you to Him and tells you what He’s like. Meditate on that. Ask Him to show Himself to you. Tell Him how you long to fall in love with Him. You have to be persistent, though. You have to really want to want Him. This isn’t going to happen in a day or a week or a month. God doesn’t usually do things on our time schedule. He has His own ideas about how long things should take, and He’s not in a hurry.
Forget about your hurts and your hatred. I know it’s hard. You might even have to forgive God for the things you perceive He did or didn’t do in your life. God will enable you to do this. You yield and He’ll do it in your life. We are completely helpless. We can’t do anything to save ourselves, so don’t bother asking Him to help you, like He was some sort of assistant or something. Just ask Him to do it. Then when you feel that knife of resentment twist in your gut over something you suffered in the past, turn to Him and say, “No, I forgave that and You took it from me. I won’t yield to this. I belong to You.” (Or something like that–whatever works for you. God gives us the power to forgive, but we have to keep our eyes on Him.)
Read and study God’s word. Meditate on it. Ask the Spirit to explain things you don’t understand. Ponder on them until you get some sort of understanding. (Sometimes you do have to check the commentaries, btw, because the commentators know language and history stuff you don’t, and that gives them some insights you might miss.) Memorize the bits that particularly speak to your heart.
The truth doesn’t set you free. Knowing the truth sets you free. And Jesus is the truth, and you get to know Him by spending time with him, in His word, praying, meditating, waiting, worshiping, maybe even fasting and spending a block of time all alone in some isolated place with Him. That can be hard to arrange, but as a single man, it should be a little easier for you than for most.
And don’t give up. Keep your eyes on Him. He’ll take you back–if He didn’t plan to let you back in, you wouldn’t be longing for it so. You might have to knock for a little while, though.
Grace and peace to you,
Cindy
By: cindyinsd on August 3, 2008
at 4:20 am
TJ,
As long as you look to people to define your worth and tell you you’re worth something you are going to be disappointed. People will let you know. No doubt you know it. Companies spend trillions of dollars every year to tell you you’re not up to par in one area or another. Unfortunately, that matters because companies use media and media completely envelopes us.
Let Jesus Christ alone define your quality.
Despite your sad, pathetic self, he loves you. (I’m extremely sad and pathetic – I don’t even have an iPhone.) I don’t usually read your blog, I don’t even know how I stumbled upon it tonight. But I had to comment. I hope it’s more constructive than destructive.
I pray that you’ll know the peace and realization of worth that Christ died for you to know.
Dan
By: Dan Jones on September 5, 2008
at 3:38 am
“People will let you know.” = People will let you down.
I suck at proof reading.
By: Dan Jones on September 5, 2008
at 3:40 am