This post isn’t about church, I swear. Ok, maybe in a roundabout way…

I just finished reading the book The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis and its really got me thinking about a lot of things. If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it. It is Lewis’ musings on what Heaven and Hell could be like. He admits freely in the book Heaven and Hell will probably look completely different, but the context gives Lewis the perfect platform to make some bold and necessary statements regarding our view of eternity, and most importantly, the love of God.  And while Im not going to give the whole book away, I will be talking about some of the key parts that hit me, so if you plan on reading it, this post may contain spoilers.

The book starts off with a bus ride in which the bus ends up in heaven and it is full of people’s souls. Once the bus stops the souls get out and begin to wander around. But because they aren’t used to heaven, it is painful for them to be there (we find out they actually came from hell), indeed, it even hurts them to walk on the grass. And as they wander around several residents of heaven begin to interact with them to convince them to stay in heaven. This is where most of the dialogue of the book comes from. The exchange that probably struck me the most was that between a resident of heaven (hereafter referred to as an angel) and a mother who had apparently lost her son while she was alive on earth. Her son had died at a young age and was in heaven. The mother pleads with the angel to let her see her son, but the angel refuses. The mother argues that no one loved her son as good as she did, and she would rather be with her son in hell than apart from him in heaven. The angel then informs her that her love only goes so far to think of what she wants the most, and is not true love, is not The Love. He also says that many times God can change a person’s heart by using the relationships they have, but sometimes He has to take them away for us to turn our eyes to Him.

This really hit me hard, because I have deluded myself into thinking for many years that my love is good. I know its not perfect, but I’ve thought it was good. But if I’m honest with myself, I see a lot of similarities in the way I love people and the way the mother loved her son. I love them based on how it makes me feel. Thats a really broken and pathetic love. And to be honest, I find myself at a crossroads in my life. I’ve been rejected a lot in my life. By friends, by parents, by relatives, by girls I’ve been attracted to, the list goes on and on. At what point am I just damning people with my whacked out view of love because I refuse to admit that I really don’t know what God’s perfect love looks like. After all, thats what I’ve been claiming that I know about ever since high school. Would I ever really get to the point where I’d rather be in hell with someone than just to embrace God’s perfect love, even though it is completely foreign to me? At this point I’d like to think not. But at the end of the day, I’m lonely and starving for affection, and I find myself looking for love everywhere but its Origin. Maybe its about starting over and just admitting to myself and God I really don’t know anything about how to love people in the name of Jesus, and I need help. Maybe its about freely accepting love, instead of trying to stockpile it like its a commodity to be bartered. Maybe its just all about God, and I’ve treated love like its my own invention and God isn’t about to share that glory with me.

Its probably all those things, but perhaps chiefly this:

I’ve tried so hard to love others that I forgot how to love God, and in turn, forgot how to let God love me. And so now I just need to own up to my mistakes and not blame other people for them. Because if it wouldn’t have been for a particular church or particular relationships, I still would have found an excuse and a way to try and earn my own way. Because I’ve never been satisfied with Jesus telling me He loves me, I’ve always wanted to stick my hands in his wounds. And now I’m realizing He didn’t wince because of the physical pain of me touching his wounds, He winced because I just can’t let Him love me without my earning it. And that created distance between us, and I’ve blamed it on Him, the church I went to, my parents, you name it. And for once I just need to let it sink in that I’ve gotten it wrong, and can’t wiggle my way out of it. I’ve got to face my inadequacies, and I can’t do it any other way than staring into the eyes of Jesus.